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Writing helps mother deal with loss of her murdered daughter
FIVE-and-a-half years ago – on the night of her parents' silver wedding anniversary – 14-year-old Sarah Robson's body was found in a field close to her East Cramlington home.
She had been plied with cheap wine before being raped, then beaten and strangled, leaving her parents and two brothers heartbroken.
Now her mum Lynne has published a book, If Only, which tells the story of Sarah's life and her family's journey from that devastating knock on the door in February 2003, through the court case and beyond.
Lynne said she started to put pen to paper shortly after Sarah's death, but she had never intended for anyone else to read it.
"It was about learning to survive without her. I couldn't have had better therapy," she said.
"I started writing immediately and after two or three years I showed some parts to family and friends.
"I received a lot of encouragement to publish but it took a lot of decision making.
"The book is in three parts.
"The first is about Sarah's life, and I got so much joy out of writing it.
"I'm still writing – whether it will be just for myself I don't know but I have to write – it's my way of coping.
"I was at a loss when it had come to an end.
"I have started another book, The Ripple Effect, about Sarah's close friends and family.
"Nobody saw their grief and they should be heard."
Lynne said her decision to publish the book was also about making it known to others that losing Sarah is something that she will never get over.
"Writing about it did me good but I still feel the same inside as the day Sarah died," she said.
"The only difference is you learn to live with that pain and you learn to put your mask on.
"It's the way I have to be."
Lynne said you have to stay positive and despite the loss life still moves on for her, husband John and their two sons Chris, 25, and Ian, 24.
Two days a week Lynne and John look after ten-month-old grandson Matthew.
"Our grandson, Matthew, he's just a godsend," she said.
"There are positives – although that pain is still there you have to think about the positives – and of course there is the sadness that Sarah will never get to know Matthew.
"I've had good feedback about the book from local people, and I think that's made me feel quite positive.
"It's been circulated around police departments to help families, and to bereavements counsellors, which I'm pleased about.
"Even people who haven't been through a bereavement – they now know – behind closed doors I'm a very different person. That's why I hesitated in publishing.
"Intense grief and loss is very private – all people wanted was to make us feel better – but they just didn't understand.
"I didn't want to justify it so I just said I was fine.
"By reading the book now they understand that you don't get over it.
"I would definitely encourage people to write things down, getting it out of your head.
"Other people might be reading my book and think the way I was thinking after Sarah was killed.
"I read other people's books and it helped reassure me that I was normal.
"I did lots of compulsive things I didn't tell anyone about – I hope
people can read this and think 'I'm not going mad'.
"That's why I had to write it as intensely as I did."
"When I first thought about publishing it – when people suggested it – my first reaction was no, but I needed to do something positive.
"A lot of people who have lost children through violence have the need to make a difference to others in their name.
"To me writing this book was in Sarah's name. It was important to me to do that for Sarah."
In October 2003, Thomas Davis, then 18, was jailed for life for
Sarah's murder at Newcastle Crown Court, with a concurrent term of seven years for rape.
Lynne's book If Only can be bought from Trafford.com or by calling 0845 230 9601.
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Saturday 04 February 2012
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