RICHARD ORD: Braverman on the warpath... is there an election looming by any chance?

Well she didn’t exactly say that, but this week she hinted that we may be swamped by a tsunami of refugees.

Of the 900 million people she casually mentioned wanting to leave their own country, only 40 million of them, according to a poll she had looked up, had picked Britain as their preferred destination.

I mean, she’s not saying that 40 million are, as we speak, clambering on upturned tables and paddling across The Channel using pots and pans as makeshift oars but, well, you know, she was just saying…

Guess we’re gonna need a bigger asylum pontoon.

As our nation wobbles under a savage cost of living crisis it seems odd that our home secretary should start spouting about an ‘existential crisis’, wanting to rewrite the meaning of what it is to be a refugee, and to do all this moaning in America.

I dunno why she should be rabble rousing just now, I mean, it isn’t as if an election is looming is it?

What are the Americans going to do about it? Help build us a wall all around the UK. Ha, ha! I mean, she’s not really going to suggest that… is she?

To be fair, it’s not as ludicrous an idea as that one the lackeys in her predecessor’s department considered: the anti-immigration wave machine. If you remember, Priti Patel’s minions considered the merits of blockading the waters off the coast of Dover with boats fitted with wave making machines to roll offensive dinghies back to Calais. It was a plan rejected over safety concerns, and presumably a lack of financial backing from would-be James Bond villains with tidal wave making technology.

Personally, I think there are bigger concerns that need to be addressed. The climate being one of them.

Thankfully, when it comes to chasing that net zero target, the UK is one of the world’s leaders. Which is why, presumably, Rishi Sunak has rolled back on the idea with a U-turn that sees him push back the deadline for selling new petrol and diesel cars and the phasing out of gas boilers.

Whoopee, we were the front runners, now we’re gonna finish 128th.

Rishi is going to look so stupid when we’re choking in a climate-battered year 2050 thanks to his policies. At least, if we can get close enough to peer through the mirrored portholes of his billionaire’s superyacht to see his face that is. And assuming he hasn’t switched on his rabble-rinsing tidal wave machine, of course…