RICHARD ORD: The bear necessities of life are not always true

Koala bears, it turns out, are exactly not that. They’re marsupials. Not bears at all.

A friend of my current life-partner was over from Australia to visit her family, catch up with pals and, while she’s at it, to put us stupid Pommies right on animal taxonomy (yes, I had to look it up).

The koala fact sounded about right. What with koalas not really being on my radar during my usual day to day activities, it wasn’t something I was duly concerning myself with but, when you look closely at the creature, it’s not as ‘beary’ as you might think. More like a stunted, overstuffed, big-eared monkey to be honest.

If I was asked to produce a list of bears, I might have put koalas on there, but wouldn’t lose any sleep over being put right.

‘No,’ my new animal expert friend continued, ‘they’re not koala bears, simply koalas. Not bears at all. It’s the same with pandas...’

Now that did take me by surprise. ‘Crikey,’ I said. ‘Next you’ll be telling me dolphins aren’t fish.’

You’ll be pleased to know that, like a friendly mammal with fins at feeding time, she bit!

She went on to let me know that there are more camels in Australia than Egypt. ‘In fact,’ she added, with no prompting, ‘you’re more likely to bump into a camel than a kangaroo in Australia.’

Wow. That’s impressive, I thought, at the same time wondering whether any of this was true. I asked: ‘Are there any non-mammalian facts you know about Australia?’

‘It’s home to one of the world’s largest telescopes,’ she said. ‘It’s called The Large Telescope.’ But she was beginning to doubt herself. ‘No,’ she said. ‘It’s called The Dish.’

We were on our way to the pub and, when we sat down for a beer, I decided to recount her new information to the others in our party. ‘I’ve just learned some fascinating facts about Australia,’ I said. People leaned in, and I nodded knowingly to my antipodean brainbox.

‘Did you know, Australia is home to the world’s largest camel? Punches harder than a kangaroo, apparently.’ She rolled her eyes…

Note: In case you’re wondering, pandas ARE bears. Although the Giant Panda isn’t as big as you might think. Half the size of a camel apparently…